My Will vs God's Will

The second step of humility is that a man loves not his own will nor takes pleasure in the satisfaction of his desires; rather he shall imitate by his actions that saying of the Lord: I have come not to do my own will, but the will of him who sent me (John 6:38). Similarly we read, "Consent merits punishment; constraint wins a crown." (RB80.7.31-33)

Tenacity, determination, single-mindedness, driven, willful--these are just a few of the terms that can be used as synonyms for STUBBORNNESS. Stubborn is a word that has been used to describe me probably since infancy. I have always known what I wanted things, how I wanted them to be and when I wanted them. When I have my mind and my heart set on a goal or a prize, everyone better stand back because I am determined.

Now how does this will of mine relate to God's will in my life? There are times when my idea of how things should play out and God's will are at odds. What do I do then?

I have slowly learned (and am still learning on a daily basis) to listen for God's voice in my desires. Rather than rush ahead as soon as I think of something, I try to take it to prayer at least a few times before I act on things. This practice allows me to listen to God's will and see where that is leading in relation to my original plan. I do not have it down to a science yet and may not for a long time but there is progress. I also try running my plans by some trusted friends who can often help me see God's plan when I can't.

Sr. Catherine, OSB

The Way of No Fun

Step 1 in the Steps of Humility (RB80.7.1-30) could lead me to believe that the life I have signed on for is going to be one of boredom and drudgery. That is definitely not what I have in mind for my life.

Even after 25 years in our community, I know that a ultra regimented and disciplined life with no adventure and challenge is not for me.

On reflecting on this first step of humility, I find a life that calls me to remember who I am and who God is. I am called to acknowledge the truth that I do not have the full picture of myself (much less of the universe) but God does. I am invited to recall God's care and all-knowing presence. This presence which can be both comforting (at least someone understands all of me) and challenging (there is no hiding from God). I am called to place God and God's will into my daily life.

Although this is the not life I envisioned in my early 20s, monastic life and community have brought me to a very fulfilling way of life.

Sr. Catherine, OSB

God's Will

And in the Prayer too we ask God that his will be done in us (Matt 6:10). (RB80.7.20)

What is God's will for me and my life? How do I know God's will for me?

For many years, these two questions haunted me pretty much 24/7. I knew that I wanted to do God's will...but I was never really sure what that was so I always acted with a fair amount of hesitancy. I wanted to do God's will but I also wanted certainty. I desired to listen to God and to know beyond any doubt that I was on the right path...I wanted the RIGHT answer.

I have come to realize that God's main desire for me is my true happiness. Not that I will be laughing and smiling my way through life--but my lasting happiness (that which will make me happy through all eternity). God has this desire for my good because of his love, the same love that created me in the first place.

God's ultimate will for us is that we be holy and eternally happy. That is what we are all created for. Although God has different paths for all of us, the end goal is the same...happiness forever.

What am I doing to further God's plan in my life?

Sr. Catherine, OSB

Playing Hide and Seek

...let him recall that he is always seen by God in heaven, that his actions everywhere are in God’s sight and are reported by angels at every hour. (RB80.7.13)

Playing hide and seek was one of my favorite games as a child. I liked the challenge of finding creative places to hide--often almost in plain sight. My size and my ability to blend in with my environment helped with this.

As I grew older, I found new ways of playing this game. I began looking for ways to hide from God; especially if it felt like God was wanting to get my attention or if God had a message that I did not particularly want to receive. I figured if I made myself hard to find by getting really busy, skipping my prayer time, arguing with God, or any number of other ways I would not be able to hear God and God would give up on me. WRONG!!!

What I usually found when I was willing to listen is that I had been fighting a hopeless battle against my own good anyway. I really should have paid attention in the beginning and saved my energy. God did have my best interest at heart.

I try not to play hide and seek as much these days. What are the games you play with God? What do they gain for you?

Sr. Catherine, OSB

Keeping Guard Over Self

While he guards himself at every moment from sins and vices of thought or tongue, of hand or foot, of self-will or bodily desire, let him recall that he is always seen by God in heaven, that his actions everywhere are in God’s sight and are reported by angels at every hour. (RB80.7.12-13)

Growing up, it seemed that every time I did something wrong or thought of doing something that was wrong (but seemed exciting or fun) there would be someone watching to report me to the teacher, the principal, my parents, the hall monitor... At the time, it seemed that I was destined for a life of boredom.

As I grew older and have reflected on some of my former ideas for fun, I have realized that while it might have been fun for a minute, I could have been putting my life at risk. From this perspective, although I never got to climb our neighbors cool, 7 foot fence that had doberman pincers on the other side, and I never got to cross the 6 lane busy street by myself at 5 yrs old...I did get to mature and understand that those might not have been my wisest options. And ultimately, there were people watching over me and protecting me because they love me.

God is like that. Although I have free will, I also have a very clear awareness that God is always watching me--not to punish and make life boring but to protect and show love. To me that is comforting. I like that image of God.

May I always remember that God is watching.

Sr. Catherine, OSB

All Eyes on ME

Now the ladder erected is our life on earth, and if we humble our hearts the Lord will raise it to heaven. We may call our body and soul the sides of this ladder, into which our divine vocation has fitted the various steps of humility and discipline as we ascend. (RB80.7.8-9)

We come again to the study of humility. One of those virtues that we are to desire; yet one can seem pretty elusive.

I grew up with the idea that everything in life was supposed to be about ME. It became apparent at an early age that I had a need to be verbal, very verbal. So, I was taught to express myself.

I did a great job at learning that lesson: I have thoughts, I have feelings, I had opinions...about almost everything. I have likes and dislikes; I have strengths; I have passions; I have desires; I have a need to be noticed. As you can tell, lots of my life can be about me sometimes.

Chapter 7, "On Humility", gives me a chance to pause, give my "me" focus a rest. Benedict reminds me that the end goal of life is eternal life with God in heaven. He believes that I cannot get there on my own, through focusing on how great I am and what I can accomplish. It is only through remembering who God is and who I am that the goal can be reached. The secret to reaching eternal life is remembering that all is gift from God. It is God who provides all the material and the strength necessary to live a good life.

How am I using God's gifts today?

Sr. Catherine, OSB

Speaking & Teaching—The Master’s Task

The tongue holds the key to life and death. (RB80.6.4)

Why is it that our tongue betrays our actions so often? We forgive one another with words, but not actions. We say thank you with words, but not actions. We say we are happy with words, but not with our actions. It seems our words come too soon and we are not yet living what we are saying. We give double messages—one with our words and one with our actions. We are called to be a sign of God’s living presence in the world. What we live is much more important than what we say. The right way of living always leads to the right way of speaking.

Benedict was on the mark when he called for so much silence in the monastery. Silence enables us to get our living and speaking in tune.

Sr. Veronica, OSB

Listen to Me

…God loves a cheerful giver. (RB80.5.16)

“Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends, to get to know their inner selves more fully, and even to dare to be silent with you.” (Henri Nouwen) We have all been baptized in the Spirit and received the breath of God breathing within us. This Spirit prays in us and listens in us to all who come to us with their joys and sorrows. This Spirit allows us to give our full attention to others and welcome them into our very being. This power of God’s spirit listening in us is a healing power. Those who are listened to start to feel accepted, start to take their words more seriously, and start to discover who they really are in the eyes of God.

The listener is truly “a cheerful giver.”

Sr.Veronica,OSB

Unhesitating Obedience

…they walk according to another’s decisions and directions…(RB80.5.12)

I never seem to stop being amazed and edified at the manner in which some of my sisters accept what the superior asks of them. It is not difficult to accept an assignment in the profession in which you are already trained, but it is most difficult to accept an assignment in a profession for which you are untrained and for which you have no desire to enter. But my friends—Sr Assumpta and Sr Scholastica were asked to do that. They were asked to be teachers. Sr Assumpta wanted to spend time on the farm with the chickens, cows and the garden; Sr Scholastica was a carpenter of sorts and an artist with many talents. But both put aside their concerns and their own will and prepared to be teachers. Both spent some 20+ years in the classroom: Sr Assumpta with 1st graders and Sr Scholastica with art classes. Both are among our most successful and beloved teachers. Sr Assumpta is teaching 1st graders in heaven now, but Sr Scholastica is still among us using her carpentry and artistic talents.

They both “walked according to another’s decisions and directions” and God blessed them and our community for doing so.


Sr. Veronica, OSB

Living with Hope

…never lose hope in God’s mercy. (RB80.4.74)

“Life is an adventure in forgiveness.” (Norman Cousins) On this adventure God’s mercy is always available. But all too often when one door closes and another opens, we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one God has opened for us. All the great spiritual leaders in history were people who forgot the closed door and walked through the open one. Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Mary, Gandhi, Lincoln, Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandella walked through that open door with a promise of “hope in God’s mercy,” and looked toward the future without the need to know exactly what it would look like.

This is the kind of life adventure Benedict asks of us.

Sr.Veronica,OSB

Moderation in Speech

Guard your lips from harmful or deceptive speech. (RB80.4.51)

The Desert Fathers tell a story of a young monk who said to his abbot.
“Why don’t you edify our guests with some of your spiritual words.”

The Abbot replied, “If our guest is not edified by my silence, he will certainly not be edified by my words.”

Benedict is telling us the same thing. If we are more attuned to silence and less attuned to chatter, we can guard our lips from harmful and deceptive speech.

Sr. Veronica, OSB

The Love of Christ

...the love of Christ must come before all else. (RB80.4.21)

Love is the essential element in all of our relationships.

• It is love that helps us forgive the wrongs done to us.
• I find myself going well beyond myself for the sake of love.
• The largest burdens are soon forgotten.
• Love impels us to try again and again when hope can seem dim.

Love is a gift. The love of God first touched us at creation when God created everything freely out of the abundance of his love. God sent his Son, Jesus, out of love for us. Jesus freely laid down his life for us out of love for God the Father and love for us.

It is this love which pushes us forward daily to proclaim God's saving love to the world.

How am I reflecting God's love today?

Sr. Catherine, OSB

Becoming Saints

First of all, love the Lord God with your whole heart, your whole soul and all your strength, and love your neighbor as yourself (Matt 22:37–39; Mark 12:30–31; Luke 10:27). Then the following: You are not to kill, not to commit adultery; you are not to steal nor to covet (Rom 13:9); you are not to bear false witness (Matt 19:18; Mark 10:19; Luke 18:20). You must honor everyone (1 Pet 2:17), and never do to another what you do not want done to yourself (Tob 4:16; Matt 7:12; Luke 6:31).

Renounce yourself in order to follow Christ (Matt 16:24; Luke 9:23); discipline your body (1 Cor 9:27); do not pamper yourself, but love fasting. You must relieve the lot of the poor, clothe the naked, visit the sick (Matt 25:36), and bury the dead. Go to help the troubled and console the sorrowing. (RB80.4.1-19)

This selection from the beginning of Chapter 4 of the Rule (The Tools of Good Works) sounds a little like a list for an instant saint. Who can actually do all of this??? In 19 verses, Benedict has included the 2 greatest commandments, the 10 commandments, the Golden Rule, and the Spiritual and Corporal Works of Mercy. Who can reasonably expect to fulfill these directives? And this is just the beginning.

Reflecting on Baptism and the implied call to holiness which is included in the sacrament, we are all called to this kind of living. These are characteristics of who committed Christians are. This is our identity.

How am I living my faith today? How am I being consistent with who I am called to be as a baptized Christian?

Sr. Catherine, OSB

Reverse Psychology

I am convinced that my parents went through immense personality changes from the time I was growing up to the time my sister, the youngest was born (about 15 years).

A few years ago, I was visiting my family and my mom asked my sister if she thought she could do the dishes. The dishes were overflowing onto every available inch of counter space. My sister, quite honestly, answered "No." This response left my mother speechless and me wondering what had happened to my mom. I could not imagine saying that when I was younger. Actually, I did not remember there being a question mark at the end of the statement before.

I stepped in and told my sister that if the dishes were washed we could go to a movie. (Admittedly, not the best incentive, but it worked.) The dishes were finished shortly after our talk.

Benedict uses calling all to counsel (hearing from all) as a way to get everyone to feel ownership for a groups decisions. We all like to feel that we had some choice in the matter even if it might be a small one. Through listening to all and letting them have an ownership in the final outcome, we call all feel that we are part of shaping our future.

Sr. Catherine, OSB

Family Meetings

As often as anything important is to be done in the monastery, the abbot shall call the whole community together and himself explain what the business is; and after hearing the advice of the brothers, let him ponder it and follow what he judges the wiser course,...

Benedict advices that whenever there is important business to be addressed all are to be called together to discuss the matter. Everyone, from the oldest to the youngest, is to be included. This directive makes sense to me because since the decision will probably affect my future in some way, I want to be included. I like to know what is happening around me.

Culture and society might question, however, why include the older and the younger; why include everyone. The older might seem a little unwieldy to deal with. For example, they might need more information or they might not be as anxious as the younger to jump at change. The younger might seem to lack the maturity or experience necessary to provide meaningful insight. They might, however, bring in a new perspective or ask incisive questions. Including everyone could potentially prolong the process since the more views expressed the longer the discussion will last.

Central to this advice is the fact that the more the members are involved in planning the future, the more ownership and commitment that is likely to be expressed. If I feel like I helped design my own future, I will be more invested and engaged in the success of the project. Benedict's wisdom is in finding a way in which all can be engaged in decision making for the group.

Sr. Catherine, OSB

Pulling Weeds

Today, in Benedict's list of qualities needed in the superior, he uses the image of pulling out faults by the roots while they are still young and tender. I can relate to this image because I have always been fascinated with the length and strength of dandelion roots. Some roots seem to go on forever and tend to be interconnected. Once the root system has been established it is very difficult to remove the weeds.

I find weeds in my life sometimes. Rather than dandelions, my "weeds" tend to be pride, stubbornness, anger, gossip, etc. If I stop when I recognize these tendencies and plan how I can back out of these habits life goes much easier for me.

I pray daily for the self-awareness, humility and wisdom to do my necessary weeding.

Sr. Catherine, OSB

To Love All Equally

Therefore, the abbot is to show equal love to everyone and apply the same discipline to all according to their merits. (RB80.2.22)

When people ask mothers which of their children they love most or is their favorite, mothers will generally reply that they love all the same but for different reasons. Yet all are still loved the same. Never having been a parent I kind of get what this means but I don't really understand.

I know that growing up, I needed the assurance from parents, teachers, coaches that I was doing a good job and that I was loved. I just seemed to crave it more than most. When I did something wrong or disobeyed, even just a look of displeasure was enough to send me into wails of tears and drama. Actually disappointment in me and my behavior was usually the worst punishment.

Benedict, today, invites the superior of the community to love all in equal measure and to discipline according to the situation. One size fits all leadership and discipline will not work--what will not even faze one person might cause another to be tramatized.

Sr. Catherine, OSB

A Good Example Will Do

Furthermore, anyone who receives the name of abbot is to lead his disciples by a twofold teaching: he must point out to them all that is good and holy more by example than by words, proposing the commandments of the Lord to receptive disciples with words, but demonstrating God’s instructions to the stubborn and the dull by a living example. (RB80.2.11-12)

In speaking about leadership, Benedict took into account the strengths and weaknesses of the team members. Some might learn better by looking at the instructions, some by hearing an explanation, some by experimenting on their own, and some by following an example. Benedict warned the superior to be prepared for all types of learners among his disciples; adapting as necessary.

I have found that the best way for me to learn is through experimentation and questioning when stuck. My tendency when finding a new gadget or encountering a problem is to jump in first and start working with what I can figure out. My younger sister, Juli, is an instruction person. She looks at manuals and reads all the directions (even the fine print) before getting started. We both are pretty successful at getting our goals met. So there are benefits to both approaches.

Benedict invites the leader to use instruction for some and a good, lived example for those that need it. That way more will understand what is taught.

I pray that I will remember to be both an example and an instructor for others through my life.

Sr. Catherine, OSB

The Buck Stops Here

The abbot must, therefore, be aware that the shepherd will bear the blame wherever the father of the household finds that the sheep have yielded no profit. Still, if he has faithfully shepherded a restive and disobedient flock, always striving to cure their unhealthy ways, it will be otherwise: the shepherd will be acquitted at the Lord’s judgment. Then, like the Prophet, he may say to the Lord: I have not hidden your justice in my heart; I have proclaimed your truth and your salvation (Ps 39[40]:11), but they spurned and rejected me (Isa 1:2; Ezek 20:27). (RB80.2.7--9)

When I was young, I always fantasized about how things would be if I ever got a chance at leadership. To me, being the leader seemed exciting and fascinating. I had great desire for power and control even as a child (probably also a hidden desire to be bossy). I had solutions and opinions about world issues, school issues, family issues, even playground concerns. Things would be different if I were in charge.

Looking at today's passage from the Rule, though, I get a different impression of leadership. It is not about the power and prestige but about who gets the blame for how the group as a whole behaves. At Judgment Day, the leader will be evaluated according to how well the team listened and obeyed. If the superior did her best job at explaining the spiritual life and what was expected then the members are responsible for themselves in whether they obey or not. If, however, the leader was careless about his duties in showing others how to live then their failure will be the leader's fault. It makes leadership seem a little less glamourous but does call me to remember my share of responsibility for my actions.

As I travel through life, being a leader in small ways, I pray that I will be one that brings others closer to God and everlasting life.

Sr. Catherine, OSB

The Strongest Kind of Monks

Most will tell you that one of the best things about Community Life is the people. They might say that one of the most difficult things about Community Life is also the people. It's not that our communities, teams, or families are filled with challenging personalities...it's more that in interacting with others I can begin to see pieces of myself reflected back. I begin to see areas of necessary growth and places where I can stretch a little further for the other.

This growth and stretching though necessary are not usually easy experiences. I remember being very hesitant about confrontations when I was a new community member. I would roll issues over in my mind for days, weeks or months rather than say anything. Then I realized that if I didn't do anything about the little issues then I would not have the practice needed for handling bigger matters. The first couple of times were uncomfortable for me but slowly I learned how to address issues more maturely. I have grown and my relationship with others has been strengthened.

This is probably why Benedict call cenobites (those who live in community under a Rule and a Superior) the strongest kind of monastics. It is in learning to interact daily that we mature and are strengthened.

Preparing for the Race

...we must run and do now what will profit us forever. (RB80.Prol. 44)

I am very competitive and I am generally successful in competitions. For me, my success is mostly luck rather than skill and training.

When I was younger, the thing that distinguished me from being a good student and a superior one was the amount of time and effort placed on studying. If I could get an A by listening, guessing well, and knowing how to talk or write myself out of any difficult question--why bother studying? Consequently, I would get the A's but not the A+s, which unfortunately held the scholarships and great prizes.

Now, I am being faced with running and putting into practice those principles which will eventually profit me in the end. Running sounds a little too sweaty and strenuous for me. I would much rather consider the requirement and slowly put them into practice after much sincere consideration. Obviously, that is not Benedict's plan. What are the practices to which he is alluding here? They are God's commands from before: seek peace, love good not evil, be sincere, always have the truth in my heart, and seek God. Can I live by these? The way to show that I am willing to live by these is to make an immediate change with God's grace. It will not be easy but it can be done.

I pray always to be willing to follow God's plan for me.

Sr. Catherine, OSB

Preparing for the Battle

I am a pacifist at heart. I do try to put on a strong front and a tough exterior many times but I really do believe and pray for peace daily. So, then, how do I deal with the military language that is presented at the begining of the Rule? After all, with words like truce and battle most true pacifists would probably have stopped reading the Rule by now, right?

The battle that we are preparing for is the struggle against our ego, our self-will, our dark side, the sin in our lives. That can feel like an internal war at times. I know that although I am basically a good person and strive to do the right thing, there are times when the wrong thing or the mediocre thing seems more appealing because it is the easiest or the most comfortable. Sometimes I might choose the wrong thing just because I am tired or don't really care that day. That is part of being human.

I still strive though to grow daily. That requires vigilance, training, focus and goal setting so that I know how to be prepared at the time when I need to make a quick choice. So it is not so much that I want to do battle and enjoy the military imagery but that there is a real battle going on against myself and toward God.

I do want to be part of that war so that at the end of my life I can look around and find myself with my community at God's side.

Sr. Catherine

Fear of the Lord

Fear of the Lord seems to be foundational to the development of wisdom. I am very familiar with fear. After all, growing up I had fear of: the dark, the sounds animals made in the canyons, being forgotten or left somewhere, crowds, gangs, falling,...fear, fear, fear. I had so much fear that at times it paralyzed me.

The fear that Benedict is talking about in "fear of the Lord" is not that type of fear. It is not a fear that binds me to my imagination and the confines of myself but one that opens up possibilities and frees me for life. This fear, in my mind, is similar to awe, reverence, and wonder. It is a sense of who God is, who I am in God's presence and who I am not. It is finding God everywhere.

I pray for the ability to always see God in life.

Sr. Catherine, OSB

Yearning for Life

Seeking his workman in a multitude of people, the Lord calls out to him and lifts his voice again: Is there anyone here who yearns for life and desires to see good days? (Ps 33[34]:13) If you hear this and your answer is "I do," God then directs these words to you: If you desire true and eternal life, keep your tongue free from vicious talk and your lips from all deceit; turn away from evil and do good; let peace be your quest and aim (Ps 33[34]:14–15) RB80.Prol. 14--17

Today's reading gives us the image of God standing on a mountain top calling out, seeking to attract followers. God's invitation to us is: do you long for life and desire to see good days? God, then, waits for a response.

My initial response is something like: Duh?? Of course, I do. After all, who wouldn't want the fullness of life? I know for sure that I want to experience everything to the fullest fo I am ready to sign up.

Before I get to far along, God puts forth the requirements for this life. I am to turn away from evil and deceit, practice peace and make that a way of life. I am to live a moral life that follows God's law. These requirements are steep but I desire to follow. I pray that God will continue to bless me along this path.

Sr. Catherine, OSB

Being Roused From Sleep

Let us get up then, at long last, for the Scriptures rouse us when they say: It is high time for us to arise from sleep (Rom 13:11). (RB80. Prologue.8)

I am definitely a morning person....but not a hyper morning person. There are some who jump out of bed as soon as their eyes open and they meet the day at a run. There are some of us who despise mornings entirely. Some, like me, prefer to ease into the morning. It is generally best that no one see me for the first hour or so after I wake up or, at least, until I have plenty of coffee in my system. I love to take my time in the morning--shaking off sleep and easing into the day; before I jump into the day.

This verse from the Prologue resonates with me because I am familiar with the time just after waking when it takes me a few minutes to understand that someone is speaking to me. I wake up in a fog of sorts that requires some time to disolve. In a sense, Benedict is saying that we all live in that foggy stage of half-sleep when we are searching for God in all the wrong places...or just searching for meaning in our lives. The Prologue calls us to shake off the last bit of sleep and turn to face God and the sun/Son today and everyday.

May I always be awake to God's presence in my life.

Sr. Catherine, OSB

The Weapons of Obedience

From the very beginning, Benedict points to the importance of obedience in the life of a disciple. He contrasts the eagerness of obedience with the sloth of disobedience which has caused the person to drift away from God, however slightly. Benedict calls the new monastic to return to God through the labor of obedience and by picking up the weapons of obedience to do battle for Christ.

I am reminded in this passage of a scene from my family. My parents and grandmother are amazing workers and have had to work hard most of their lives. Yet, they had a difficult time passing this work ethic to the children in our family. My parents were used to doing what needed to be done at home without needing a reminder or having things pointed out to them. My siblings and I, however, were quite happy to jump over the full laundry basket, let the water boil dry on the stove or let the dishes pile up on the counters--as long as these things did not directly infringe on whatever we were doing. My parents tired of asking us to do various tasks and having us answer, "In a minute." My parents usually ended up doing the task themselves. It wasn't that we were trying to be disobedient on purpose; we just did not understand why the tasks were so important right then.

As I have grown, I have awakened to many of those lessons that my parents tried to teach me in vain. I actually was listening on some level; just never quite got around to putting obedience into practice.

Today, I am called to practice obedience with my whole heart daily.

Sr. Catherine, OSB